Moms are Prime Candidates for Burnout

KATHY RICKETTS
Daily Gazette

After weeks of getting up several times a night to feed her newborn foster son, Kyle, Theresa Gallagher said she was starting to feel burned out two years ago. "When Kyle came to us, he was two months premature and he had a lot of health problems, including withdrawal from crack cocaine," recalled Gallagher, now 42, who has three other children.

"Sometimes, I would call my girlfriend and say, 'I'm just so tired. I don't know if I can do this anymore.' "

Fortunately, Gallagher's husband, Matt, and their daughter, April Wright, offered to help so Gallagher could sleep or have some time alone.

"Sometimes, I would ride my bike, go to the gym or to church," Gallagher recalled. "I just needed to get away for a while."

All mothers need to learn how to deal with the challenge of feeling overworked and overwhelmed at times, say experts. Dealing with life, work, kids and other relationships can create a great deal of pressure.

Jenness Clairmont, a social worker with Samaritan Counseling Center in Scotia, said symptoms of burnout include excessive guilt, depression, low motivation, irritability and a sense of feeling alone or isolated.

Stay-at-home moms and working moms both experience burnout for different reasons, said Clairmont.

"Stay-at-home moms burn out because they get very little adult time," said Clairmont. "Working mothers are trying to do everything."

SHARING RESPONSIBILITY

While it's hard for some women to give up control, Clairmont said mothers need to learn to share responsibility and ask for help from their husband, partner or friends, and stop trying to be perfect.

"If the house is messy sometimes, it's OK," said Clairmont. "If the kids don't look perfect, it's OK, and there's nothing wrong with cereal for dinner sometimes. If you don't take care of yourself first, you're not going to be able to take care of anyone else."

No matter how conscientious moms are about taking care of themselves, it's quite normal to feel burned out sometimes, said Amy Tiemann, author of "MojoMom: Nurturing Yourself While Raising a Family."

A few suggestions listed in Tiemann's book include:

• Fill your own cup. Are you getting enough sleep and eating well?
• Explore a new path or adjust an old one. How often do we give ourselves permission to find a new interest or even to learn that it's all right if we aren't good at something.
• Play and have fun as much as possible, both with your kids and on your own.
• Enlist family teamwork. Teach all family members to be involved in household tasks.

It's OK to say 'no'

Susan Newman, psychologist and author of "The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It and Mean It and Stop People Pleasing Forever," said the word "no" is an essential tool against mom burnout.

"Don't make a habit of putting your children's wants and wishes before yours," said Newman. "If you want to safeguard your time, save energy and preserve your sanity, make optimum use of 'no.' Parental 'nos' are also sound lessons in how the world works -- you don't always get what you want."

With 60 percent of mothers with children under the age of 18 working, it's not surprising that moms are burning out, said Rudy Nydegger, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Schenectady.

"The bulk of the responsibilities still fall on Mom's plate -- so she is extraordinarily busy," said Nydegger. Most women are socialized in such a way that they put the needs of everyone else in the family ahead of their own, he said.

"I tell my women patients that their needs are at least as important as everybody else's," he said.

Nydegger suggested making small changes such as trying to take a walk a few times a week, and then sticking to it.

"Keep making small changes until you get the balance you want," he said.

If women won't make changes for themselves, Nydeggar said they should think of themselves as role models for their children.

"Their daughters will have less of a problem with burnout when they become mothers, and their sons will be sensitive to the needs of their wives and girlfriends," he said.

Richard Patterson of Clifton Park, author of "Parenting," said cultivating friendships is a great stress reliever.

"Having one or two good friends that you can share your frustrations with and who will give you good advice is priceless," said Patterson, whose Web site is www.confidentparenting.com

TAKING CARE OF YOU FIRST

Stacy DeBroff, author of "The Mom Book, 4,278 Tips for Moms!," offered the following tips.

• Make time each week to do something for yourself while someone else cares for your child.
• Schedule time to exercise each week.
• Get enough sleep each night.
• Eat a balanced diet rather than your child's leftovers.
• Set aside a period of time each day when you are unavailable to anyone. Read a good book, soak in a long bath, take a walk outside or try relaxation techniques such as meditation.
• Set aside time for outings with friends, parent support groups, or other social activities that do not center around your children to help maintain a healthy balance in your life.
• Single parents should seek out other parents in similar situations and offer to watch each other's children.

STRUCTURED DAYS

Theresa Gallagher gets up at 5 a.m. each morning to exercise, listen to parenting tapes, pray, shower, get dressed and ready for the day before her children rise at 7 a.m.

After the family has breakfast and devotions, Gallagher helps Kyle, now 2, get dressed while Jacob, 5?, gets himself dressed and makes his bed.

Gallagher said she tries to structure the children's time for consistency.

"If you know your day's plans the night before, it helps prevent burnout,' she said.

On a typical morning at their Schenectady home, for example, Kyle and Jacob will do 30 minutes of crafts, 30 minutes of playtime together, then 30 minutes of "room" time where they play quietly in their rooms.

After lunch, depending on the weather, the children play outdoors. Then while Kyle takes a nap, Jacob, who recently started kindergarten at Lynnwood School, has reading time.

Gallagher runs a day care center out of her home after school where the children play, read or work on a computer. Gallagher's daughter, April,, assists.

A foster child herself, Gallagher said she always wanted to become a foster parent because her own foster parents were so good to her.

She and her husband became Jacob's foster parents a few months after he was born. Three years later when Kyle was born to the same parents, who were addicted to drugs, Gallagher and her husband became Kyle's foster parents. They have now adopted both Kyle and Jacob.

"It was important for us to keep the brothers together," said Gallagher, who said she loves being a full-time mom and day care provider.

"It's not always easy," she admitted. "But my husband and daughter are very supportive. I'm very blessed to have their help."

Reach Gazette Reporter Kathy Ricketts at 395-3183 or kathyr@dailygazette.com

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