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Finding path to happy marriage can reap dividends
It doesn’t take a genius to conclude that if you and your partner fight all the time, your health may suffer.
And recent studies seem to prove it, said David Olsen, executive director of the Samaritan Counseling Center in Scotia and author of several books on marriage.
Marriage strife and other bad personal relationships can raise your risk for heart disease, according to researchers.
A study of 9,000 civil servants in Great Britain, for example, concluded that people who were unhappily married were 34 percent more likely to have heart attacks than people who were happily married.
But just as a bad marriage can harm a couple’s health, a good marriage can enhance it.
“Many studies suggest that people in healthy relationships live longer and have a greater sense of well-being because they feel their partner understands them,” said Olsen.
Because they trust their partner, they have lower rates of depression, and for the most part have much better health.
“If your partner is your best friend and you feel safe, then no matter what is happening in the outside world, when you come home, you feel a great sense of relief,” said Olsen.
Communication skills
So how do you make your marriage an asset, instead of a detriment to your health? Good communication is key to improving a marriage, Olsen stressed.
- Listen with empathy. Listen to your partner and tune in to his or her feelings. You will know not only what your partner is feeling, you will also understand why.
- Respond with empathy. Tell your partner what you think he or she is feeling based on what you’ve heard. If you didn’t get it right, your partner will tell you and you can correct your response.
- Make it sweet. Nobody likes to be scolded. To avoid provoking a fight, always include the positive. Express feelings of love as strongly as you can.
- Talk about your feelings, not your mate’s failure.
- Look for win-win solutions. In an atmosphere of love and trust, couples can come up with creative solutions that are satisfying to both partners.
“You are coming home to your own personal oasis in the middle of a storm,” said Olsen. “That’s not to say that happily married couples won’t have some health issues. But the marital interaction will have a positive impact on their health. ”
Recognizing that couples probably learned how to communicate from the family they grew up in (called our family of origin), is crucial to building a strong marriage.
“The goal is to help couples shift the way they communicate in a way that leads to a much deeper understanding of each other,” said Olsen. “If we can shift the pattern and teach people healthier ways to talk to each other, most of their problems can be solved.”
Think of a time when you were highly agitated or depressed and you shared your problems with a close friend.
“They don’t fix the problem but they really get it and you feel like this person totally understands,” said Olsen. “You can almost feel your body begin to relax.”
Olsen said studies show happily married couples have a higher percentage of positive interactions than negative ones.
“If your inner relationship with your partner is positive, you’re going to feel better,” said Olsen. “What happens in good marriages is you think of your partner as a very good friend and you feel very safe.”
Research studies suggest that people in healthy relationships live longer, are healthier and have a greater sense of well being because they feel a level of understanding.
“They trust their partner and for the most part have a lower level of depression and potentially better health.”
The deeper the level of understanding couples can achieve from each other, the more satisfying their marriage will be, said Olsen .
“Literally that sense of feeling deeply understood by someone that you care about is good for your health,” he explained. “At the end of stressful day if I go home and am greeted by someone who understands me, who makes me feel safe, who I feel a deep sense of friendship and love, physiologically I will be relaxed. All of which is impacting health because psychology impacts biology.”
Holiday stress
The holidays can be a particularly stressful time for couples.
“What happens to couples around the holidays is they bring their old childhood expectations into the relationship,” said Olsen. “Some people who grew up in abusive families have terrible memories. So they start to withdraw and become depressed. Others who grew up in happy households believe in the Hallmark holiday.”
It’s important for couples to talk to each other about their expectations because such a discussion can lead to a deeper understanding of each other and a greater sense of perceived safety, said Olsen.
“Fortunately or unfortunately, everything keeps coming back to self-awareness,” he added. “If people never figure that out, they are never going to be truly happy in their relationships, and their health could suffer.”
One of the mistakes people make is thinking if they are unhappy, they should immediately end their marriage instead of trying to work their problems out.
“What we know is that each time we remarry, the odds of finding happiness actually decrease,” said Olsen.
Studies show approximately 50 percent of first marriages fail; 63 percent of second marriages fail; and 70 percent of third marriages fail.
“The reason is that when most people leave a marriage, they think their partner had all the problems,” said Olsen. “So one of the attributes of a healthy marriage is self-awareness — the ability to say that ‘any problem we have is not all the fault of my partner.’ ”
“Most people mistakenly believe they would be happy if their partner would change,” said Olsen. “In reality the only person they can change is themselves.”
Reach Gazette Reporter Kathy Ricketts at 395-3183 or kathyr@dailygazette.com
Copyright (c) 2007 The Daily Gazette Co. All Rights Reserved.
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