Emotional connections guide clergy

By THE REV. DAVID C. OLSEN
First published: Saturday, May 3, 2008
Times Union

More and more clergy are discovering an unfortunate truth: having a good seminary education, staying well read and being intelligent do not automatically equate with effective pastoral leadership.

Seminary education and an extensive reading list do not equip clergy to tune in effectively to the day-to-day situations of ministry, deliver sermons that tap deeply into parishioners' lives, deal with the congregants' complex problems, negotiate with difficult boards.

How does one respond nondefensively to an angry board member? What does one say to those constantly challenging their minister's theology? How does one read the emotional climate of a committee meeting and address the tension in the room? How do ministers find the right words for a family in crisis?

Some clergy seem to do this effortlessly. Others acknowledge with some embarrassment that they often become reactive. Some are able to navigate a difficult meeting and lower the anxiety level. Others become defensive and inflame the emotions of the group.

What is the difference in these ministers' leadership? It is certainly not IQ. But not all of them have EQ, or emotional intelligence, which lets them provide what Daniel Goleman in his bestseller "Emotional Intelligence" calls resonant leadership -- that is, leadership that resonates with the emotions of those around them in a way that is soothing, compassionate and motivating.

EQ is about self-awareness and awareness of others. Emotionally intelligent clergy understand their strengths and weaknesses and what makes them emotionally reactive. They are a calming presence for others in difficult times. They sense what they are themselves feeling in the moment and what those around them are feeling. They know how to practice empathic attunement to individuals and also to a group's emotional climate.

Ministers with good emotional intelligence are aware of their own anxiety and concern about the issues expressed by a committee but are able to keep it in check, and at the same time tune into the anxiety of those around them in a way that is soothing and motivating. As leaders, they realize no one will follow them unless they contain they own fears and resonate with the emotions of the others. Not surprisingly, church boards often report that such ministers without emotional intelligence seem out of touch. This can affect preaching. Their sermons, though intellectually stimulating, seldom connect with the lives of their congregants.

More and more clergy are coming to understand that we are wired interpersonally and that emotions are contagious. Goleman's book describes how we "catch" the emotions of those around us. His theory posits that our brains are "sociable" and engage each other in a type of emotional tango that acts as a thermostat.

Think for a moment how you feel when someone smiles warmly as you are picking up your morning coffee. Without knowing it, you are smiling when you leave. Or consider the opposite, the rude salesperson. In both cases, the emotion is contagious. Consider also what you feel like when you are agitated or depressed and you share it with someone who really cares. They "get it." You feel lighter and relaxed, even though the problem may not have been solved. Your system has been "interpersonally regulated."

Obviously, there is much more required for being a great minister such as knowledge, confidence and vision. But without emotional intelligence, people will not follow even the most inspiring minister.

David Olsen, Ph.D., is executive director of Samaritan Counseling Center of the Capital Region in Scotia.

WorkshopDavid Olsen will lead a workshop for the Capital Region Theological Center on emotional intelligence for clergy from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. on Wednesday at Hamilton Union Presbyterian Church, 2291 Western Ave., Guilderland. The cost is $60 and lunch is included. For information, call the center at 462-2470 or e-mail info@capitalrtc.org.